The daughter called the other day crying that she wants her baby back…She said she sleeps on top of pool tables and out side …. anywhere she can find a place to lay her head…I told her that it sure was ashamed that she would do that to her self when she didn’t have to… she then said that she had a friend that didn’t have a place to go too and my reply was “Oh well, At least you got some company.”…. She has a home to come too! This one! She just can’t bring her drama, friends and drugs here… I will not have it. So her choice to remain on the streets is her own. She wanted money for food… I told her the husband will not send any more…. (We are preferred customers of Western Union… They sent us a letter thanking us for so much business and it pissed the husband off) I told her…. “Come Home! Don’t stay there and starve!” Her reply was that she couldn’t stand anyone telling her what to do. Not just me but anyone… After she said that I had a thought that I would never thought that a person like me could have had… The thought was…. I hope you get caught with drugs and you have to go to jail. I had the thought because she stopped going to school in the 8th grade… She knows nothing of God or has no map to find her way back from the doom…. She cares nothing for anyone except her self and she is lost to me… At least jail would make her finish school… She would find God waiting in the cell for her and see the pain of all those girls that have lost everything just like she had…. Maybe she would finely see her self in them…. The fog in her mind would clear and for once she could think about Bonnie and see that she needs someone to help her through the next 16 years… and even longer!……I am not that someone… She needs a higher power than me.
Well the husband has pulled my car out of the barn and the hood is up… I woke up and went out to feed my chickens and saw it there in the driveway. Instead of getting a new car like I was promised when we were married I get stuck with the old one and a new paint job and 4 new tiers. When I see him polishing HIS new truck I feel something like hatred in the pit of my stomach. That is not the right feeling to have toward ones husband. It’s not just those things either… It’s the total lack of respect… The going on little weekend trips with out me… Oh he invites me alright… only because he knows I will say no thanks… his trips are fishing trips with his buddies… And he invites me along to be the maid. Or the butt of some stupid joke…. Or fire wood collector…. Or bartender… Then he gets so loaded he talks to me like he doesn’t remember my name and I’m just some harlot that was invited at the last minuet. Don’t get me wrong… I wish this man all the happiness in the world! But I wish it for me too damn it! I have feelings and dreams too! Why can he not see that? Why must HE be the star all the time?! Why does one person have to suffer so the other one can be happy? Is it not my right to be as happy as he? Maybe I am making MYSELF suffer… Maybe I am punishing myself for mistakes in the past… and I have chosen him for my punishment.
I said I wouldn’t talk bad about the husband any more… I went back on my promise… but I had to get that off my chest and here is where I’m the boss and I can say and do whatever I want. I think that’s why I have lasted so long on here writing down my thoughts. Because I say what goes. I am the Queen here! With no king….. Only a tyrant hovering close by. Yes I am the Queen of the life and times of Sherrena! And no one… not even a mad man… could take this from me.
