My life with him had been a disaster! For the next 2 year’s I developed a drug habit that I couldn’t control. I was like Jenny on Forrest Gump! I’m not joking! I’m just so lucky that I hadn’t contracted the horrible thing that had killed her. Then one day I felt sick in the wrong way. My child was born drug free nine months later, a week before my own birthday and I called him Alexander. He was a bright happy baby. He had givin me the strength to stop doing the drugs. I just kept thinking that he had a choice. And I’m sure he would have chosen not to be an addict. But I had no skills to care for a child! I had already gave up 2 of them to there Father to take care of because I didn’t have the proper skills and had been sent to prison! I was a rotten mother! I see that for what it was. We moved around a lot in that 5 year’s. My child’s father beating on me when he couldn’t hold his temper and me running away. I would take my child to his grand mother’s (not my mom, his mom) and then I would hide some where until he wasn’t mad any more. I started leaving my child with his grand mother more and more because I just wanted him to be safe from his father. I was afraid that my son was going to watch his father beat me to death one day. This man was just not right. He had no problem with knocking me out or hurting me in any kind of way. Then one day I decided I wouldn’t be a victim any more. I remember I had been standing at the sink at the start of all this. He had just come home from work and he was looking at some daisies that I had put in a large round heavy vase. He screamed at me that that vase was his!…..” take those fucking flower’s out! You didn’t ask me if you could do that!”… I walked over to where they were arranged on an end table by the couch. I picked it up and removed my flowers and I stood there a moment holding the vase. You could have heard a pin drop. I had never defended my self when he beat me. I had thought that would just make him madder and it wouldn’t be over fast enough. That he was much bigger and I had no chance of survival. He must have known that there were a million things going through my mind at once because he stood up from where he had sat down. Maybe he sensed his impending doom. Who knows why? I picked that heavy vase up and I aimed it at his head. He was looking right at me when I did it. I saw his mouth moving but I really couldn’t make out what he was saying. With a force that I have never seen before or since in me I hurled that vase at him! It flew through the air end over end. He saw this and tried to dodge it but it was like he moved into it. It hit him square in the head an blood flew every where. He sunk to the floor like he was going to go out but he didn’t. Then he started to cry. I had NEVER cried as he beat me! Then anger swelled in me the size of Texas. Our front door to our apartment had been open and the man across the hall was standing in the door way thinking some horrible accident had just happened and he was asking me if I wanted an ambulance. I told him no thanks. I think I want him to bleed to death if you don’t mind. I said this calmly. He then ran from my door. I went to Alexander’s room and got him and we went to the park across the street. We played as I could hear ambulance sirens and police car’s. Then I saw the neighbor, that had been in my door way, pointing to me from across the street. Showing 2 police officers my location. I noticed as they approached that they separated a bit and kept their distance once they got up to me. One of them asked how I was and I told him just fine. The other one then tells me that there’s a fellow over in my apartment that isn’t. I shrugged my shoulders. They said he wanted to press charges and it might help me if I told them what happened. They asked me if he had hit me and I said no. Then like a flood of water breaking through a dam I told of all the times he had choked me and hit me and said he would kill me. Then with tears in my eyes I said ….I fought back….. They left me in the park with Alexander. The ambulance took dumb ass away. That’s when things got weird.

A few days’ later he returned home. They had just kept him long enough to stitch up his head and then he went to “him mommy’s house“ . He came back with his sister. Remember her? The girl who thinks carpet grows? Well we sat there and ate dinner like nothing had ever happened. I had been packing our things to move thinking he wouldn’t be coming back but I had been very wrong. His sister excused herself and left the table. He and I sat there looking at one another and I felt like I wanted to puke. Really I felt like I wanted to lean across the table and poke him in the fucking eye with my fingernail! I had seen him for what he really was as he lay on the floor whimpering and crying like a baby after the “accident”. A worthless piece of shit and I saw that I had no feeling at all for him any more in my heart! I told him that it was over with he and I and that the man across the hall way was listening to everything we were saying…. This wasn’t true but it’s easy to freak out a drug user. Making them paranoid is not how I get my kicks but that night I used it to my full advantage. I told him I was taking our son to his house to be with his mom and asked him if he wanted a ride home. He did but he needed to find his sister. She had wondered out of the open apartment door and was no where to be seen. We looked around and then I went to get my keys to drive the block to look for her and I noticed my keys were gone. I ran out side and in my space was my car. I got my extra set of key’s and got Alex and strapped him in and Jack Ass got in too. We drove around about 15 minuets looking for dim wit before I started hearing a knock in my engine. I thought he had done something to my car and I had been ready to accuse! But as I listened I could tell it wasn’t coming from the front of my car…..it was coming from the trunk!…. I pulled over and turned the engine off and could still hear the knock. What I tell you next you will just not believe. Well you’ll believe it but you wont know the embarrassment of it! As I got out of my car to walk to the back of my trunk I noticed children playing and people in there yard’s mowing and talking. You know….the normal neighbor hood stuff…..I reached the trunk, stuck the key in….and the trunk flew open! Out jumped Jack ass’s sister and she was half naked! She ran for the grass and did the stop drop and roll maneuver that you would do if you were on fire! A man watering his grass stood there shocked before he ran toward her. I had been backing up so fast I fell in the street backwards like a crab. Jack Ass jumped from the car and ran for her trying to calm her down. The man who’s yard all this was happing in thought we had put her in the trunk and was backing up from us saying he was calling the police. I refused to pull away once he got her in the car. I knew the police were coming and I didn’t want my car on the news’s with an all points bulletin out on it! He begged me to drive away but I wouldn’t. He then jumped from the car and left me sitting there with his sister who was by that time slapping her self in the face. I watched him run around the corner and then I gave his sister to the police. I then drove my son to his grand mother’s and returned home to finish packing. Now I bet your thinking this story is just about over huh?…..Well how wrong you are!…(smiling)…..It was about 3 am when I finished packing everything. I heard his key turn in the door. He wanted a ride to one last place before he never saw me again. This was to be one of the wildest rides in my life….. I asked about his sister he said he called and they had took her to the hospital. I decided that I WOULD give him that one last ride. I don’t know why I did! We got in the car and we drove to his friends house. He went in and got his self some drugs then he asked me to drop him by another friend’s...... I will continue this story later......But next post I think will be about the sexual aspect of drugs..........so .....to be continued.

I know I jump around a lot in the telling of my life. I don’t do this on purpose. It seems to just come out that way. I begin this story with the meeting of “crazy” girl’s brother. I looked around dusty west Texas and thought about not having anyone or anything and how long it would be before I too was watering a chunk of green carpet. He came to visit twice before I had reeled him in and he was moving me “up” town. Up town meant east to Dallas Texas. My memories of those days are fuzzy but I will tell them as best I can. Please remember that I was a young girl, when you judge me.

We got to Dallas on a Friday. I remember this because he kept telling me to hurry up that he wanted to go out to Deep Pelm. ( I know I spelt that wrong but I have no idea how it’s really spelt) it’s a little section in Dallas with a lot of bar’s and art shops and I guess you can say it looks a little bit like the French quarter of New Orleans but without the grandeur. I got ready and we went. Not to party I soon figured out. He bought some acid and a half of gram of Coke from some guy that lived in a run down little shack off one of the side street’s. I watched as he couldn’t even wait to get back to the apartment to do his drugs. We sat there in the car and he chalked his self out a line and he asked me if I wanted some. I turned it down and still just watched. Then he said open your mouth. I asked him why and he said just do it. I did and he put the first hit of acid I ever took on the end of my tongue. I felt a little tiny stamp stuck to it. He said “NOW ENJOY!”….I didn’t try to spit it out. Matter of fact I think I swallowed it. I recommend that NO one ever try it!…It was a long time ago but I’m going to try to describe what happened next. The car was started and we began driving home. He was driving so I was looking out the side window thinking about this drug thing that had just happened. About 15 to 20 minuets into the drive I start to notice that the things im looking at out the window are blending in to each other. Nothing really stopped or started any more and if it was a light it left a tail for miles. I blinked a few times hard before I looked down at my hand’s and noticed that they were extremely funny looking. This was odd because they had looked normal for the first part of my life. They were breathing and looked like a cartoon characters hands. I started to laugh at this. The more I laughed the bigger breaths my hand’s would take. Like they too were laughing. I know that sounds crazy. I wont go into the rest of the night. Just the end of the night. I wanted NOT to be high any more. But I was just as high as I had been at the beginning of the night. Needless to say I never tried it again. But I did go on to the Cocaine. And it was a downward spiral from there.