I think who ever invented the chocolate coverd cherry should be tied to the wiping post!...those delicious cherry's surrounded by that lushes liquid sugar and hiddin inside that little chocolate drop ...And to sell them so cheep!...so even the fatest,poorest little porker can buy 4 or 5 boxes. What is the deal with all the sweet stuff durring winter! I do great ignoring that stuff in the summer time. But as soon as thanksgiving get's here I'm on those cherry's!... I see now I will have to just give them up compleatly..I haven't the restaint to eat just one..yep...I must never buy them again!

Well...I just can't explain how being around my animal's makes me so much happyer than being around my family...It's the truth...I know they love me with out any reason. Where I think my daughter hates me and my husband just can't stand the sound of my voice...I was watching this TV program about Ferell children..I have no idea how to spell that..anyway ..these dog's had took the children into there pack..and science was trying to understand why..Being around my Dog's I could have saved them alot of time...FOOD SOURCE!..they saw those kid's got food...and better than they did and they shared...I turned out to be right...Yeah...My husband say's I think I know everything..really I'm just the queen of useless trivia. Like I know the only bird that fly's backward's...my husband said to me..."Well now...who gives a shit?...."... see what i mean?...If I never meet another mean son-of-a-%@$#* AGAIN IT WILL NOT BE TO SOON...

I think I should have called my blog "life with a crazy man". I guess for me to fully understand my self I must try to understand the people that are around me. My husband being the first. I will start by saying sometimes he is "OK" and sometimes he is NOT.His father had suffered from delusions.He had been truly crazy and took medicine for it. But my husband opted to drink his paranoia away..which makes life on me a living hell. Once I woke up to my brother knocking on the door.I was still sleepy when I opened the door to let him in so I hadnt really looked around at anything. As soon as he came in he started to laugh. I asked him what's so funny?..And then I too looked around. Everything in my house had been moved about 8 inches to the left.All the pictures,all the funiture,even the shoe's that I had left over by the couch was moved 8 inches from there spot. My brother was shaking his head and laughing AT my husband and I was thinking "THAT STUPID BASTARD! WHY THE HELL WOULD SOMEONE DO THAT?"..I was humiliated that my brother knew I had married a crazy man. He has these cycles that he goes through...He will be kind and smiling and then he's very tierd...he will sleep for a few day's and when he wakes up he is mean as a rattle snake...ok...a rattle snake that's been kicked at...that's more like it. Selfish is his middle name. He told me once that I was getting nothing from him until he died...and by then he would make sure he spent it all...Like I care..Money isn't my thing...Happyness is. For some kind of punishment he has chossen not to fix my car..oh, it's something miner but he has told me that it's too hard for him to look at..It's just his way of controling where I go..He has some of the crazyest thought's. Everything is HIS...and everything of mine is HIS because HE baught it with HIS money. even gift's that I recieved from people in his family. Like his father gave me a Mandolin..it's pricless to me...but he said i can't take it with me if I were to ever leave him because HIS father gave it to me and that make's it HIS..what kind of reasoning is that?..I've stopped trying to make sence of anything...I feel a lot of the time that I'm not inportant to any one any more...I'm stuck here with out any friend's and none to talk to. If I try to go out my husband uses his truck to keep me from being gone very long...screeming ..."That's MY fucking TRUCK!..Not your's!...Your not leaving me out here to ride around in my shit!..I don't trust you!...you Burned a F#%@ing hole in my seat!"...I really didn't...It's just a lie he made up so he could screem for about 4 hour's.The button of his jean's did it.I seen that it matches up perfect with his pant's...I feel like a prisoner here..and I know what that feel's like. Ever since we moved here he has controlled my comming and going. I want to leave here and go back to Texas. There I went fishing with my little brother and we laughed and had great times. Making fun of his wife and my husband...awwwwww....I miss him...the other night before I went to sleep I thought about him and had the same feeling I have when I think of my mother dead..I pushed it back down deep inside but it was a bad feeling.Missing your loved ones so much.........

There are a few part's of my life that I just don't want to remember. Thing's that are just unspeakable. I don't think it's shame that keep's me from wanting to talk about it. I know I'm a bit ashamed of being a rotten mother."BUT"..I did the best that I could with the card's I had been dealt and I made a few mistakes that I have owned up to. I could'nt raise children. I wasn't a responcable person after My husband had took them I met a guy that sent me strait to Jail because he had been a theif. He had car's that he had baught from a lot of difrent bad men. I can't say that I didn't know he was a theif. I did. But I had not cared..So I was charged and sentenced to prison. I spent 2 calender year's there. Now that was horrific. I got there in July. The women's corectional facilty in Gateville Texas. They don't have AC there..(smiling)...I had truly gone to Hell.
It took a few week's for me to reach the general population. After that I was givin a Job and a cubicl to live in, a long with other's. I tryed to make friend's pretty quick. You wouldn't believe How some of the women there are the size of men. I saw that they all had little family's. They called these little group's your "people's". Mother's,Father's (he he)and kid's. The "Kid's" were just that..young criminal's that were just over legal age. Yes this was the big time and I was scared pretty much the first 2 month's I was there. I saw that having an hispanic friend took you a long way there.So my first gift (my radio) was giving in exchange for friendship to a woman we called Letty. Her real name was Latisha. She liked me because I made her laugh. She made sure I was safe. I pretty much stayed in trouble the whole time I was there. They kept taking my good time from me as punishment and I picked up a lot of cig. butt's and moved a lot of rock pile's. Mostly for back talk, smoking and walking at the same time, and hanging my panties at the wrong end of the bed. Now that Middle infraction,walking and smoking,I just would not obey that!...they called it walking in transit...and I had thought it was stupid until the 3rd rock pile..Moving rock's was a punishment when they couldn't find anything else for you to do. The guard would take you to the pile and say..."See that?"..pointing to the pile.."Move it over there!"..pointing about 20 feet from it. Yeah ...now you see why I couldn't go back for my children?...There had been a 12 foot fence with razor wire across the top of it between us. That we were told if you ran for you would be shot. And I believed that. So even when the ball rolled over towards the fence we all stopped and just watched it...lol...no one ran for it. The person going for the ball had to raise there hands in the air and walk slowly towards the fence and this was only after a guard in the tower seen you were playing ball and needed the ball back. Even eating there were rules. You couldn't get more than what you could eat..if you did you were punished..That's where I learned the art of just sticking something in your mouth and swollowing with out really chewing it for taste. Just trying to get rid of it. You had to raise your cup in the air to get a drink and you couldn't leave until a guard looked in your plate. I was constantly over worked. Only because I couldn't follow the rules. I thought...I will not let them break me!...but they did.. There's a place for such bender's of the rules...fighting,killing and a whole lot of rule violation's sent you to the hole. It wasn't really a hole...but it felt like one..a cell...with a window made of plexy glass and painted shut with green paint. The heat in the summer was unreal. I took my turn there..And then I decided to hang my pantie's were they wanted me too...and shut my mouth when I'm being "TOLD" what to do...and NEVER walk and smoke at the same time. Which by the way took me a long time to get over when I was released. I didn't have a name any more. I had been Inmate 513619. I remeber when it came my time to leave..they had gave me some close that the prison had made and they shackled my feet and hand's to a belt..they loaded me in a white prison van and I remeber the guard in the tower lowering a bucket to hand the guard his gun once we got on the other side...they drove me into town and we stopped at the bank..I jumped from the van after they pulled the door open and they unshackled me..The guard went in the bank with me and I cashed the tiny 200 dollar check they gave me for all my rock pile moving and I remeber the lady slid a piece of bubble gum over the counter with the money. I reached past the money and grabbed that gum! I had loved gum and had to resort to scraping the wax of the back of the goverment cheese wrapper's to make a wax chiclet that you could chew for day's..The flavor was the pepermint you ate with it..I opened that gum and put it in my mouth...and it was the best tasting thing in my life at the time. Then they reshackled me and took me to the bus stop...really it was an old gas staion the town used for the bus stop..I was unshacked for the last time and the guard finaly stuck his hand out for me to shake it. I just looked at it for a second thinking this is a trick...but then I took his hand in mine and felt a man for the first time in 2 years. He said .."now don't you come back here"..and smiled and waved goodbye...