So there I was...living with another man and my husband dieing..falling over dead...around the same time my mother did...about 5 year's ago is when the people I loved stated to die..My mother first..all I can say about that is if you havent lived through it yet...I'm so sorry for you when it's your turn..Grief makes you say and do strange thing's...I never knew this till the day she died..I held her hand and couldn't be strong for her...the nurses told me to tell her it was ok to go...but I wouldn't...I screemed at her ...DON'T GO!..I LOVE YOU TO MUCH!!..but she went...My grandmother took over with the planning for the dead..she was like an old pro..having been so old that she survived 5 husband's and barried them all...she picked out the best for her as I sat there. The morning of the funeral I looked at my self in the mirror for the first time sence she had gone and I didn't recognize the face looking back..for a moment I was shocked...I had never seen this look before.
Then my husband died and then a few month's later my older brother called to tell me his wife was sick..then she died...and then my friend Angie drank her self to death..then my step Mom went...And one after another the people I had loved so much passed by...like a breeze...My Dad has his own reason's for this but I'm not sure. This woman told me once that you have to lay your burden on God...and not worry about the out come...that you couldn't do both...hummmm...maybe her mother wasn't dieing!...maybe her faith in GOD was more true than mine! Who know's?!...
Today I woke up and let my dog's out and at first I thought it had snowed. On closer inspection it was ice...white ice on everything..it sparkled like you wouldnt believe...I guess that's as close as I will get to snow as long as I live this far down south...My dog's seemed to love it...I have 5...Pearl, Eddie Earl, (they had a baby)..Junior, and 2 out side dog's..Big easy and Buster...My cat, Booty booshay, ran away last year....I just can't keep a cat around with all these dog's...the 3 little one's are rat terrier's and they just love being mean to anything small and furry.....I miss Booty Booshay a lot....

enough about my family...I moved away when I was 18 and had a baby by 19..I had no idea had to look after my self and a child and my mom,she seemed to live at the bar now, my Dad didn't let you come back once you left..So I married the first man that asked me..He was a short little man that had drank and passed out "a many" of time at one of the bar's my mom tended. I asked her what should I do...she had told me to marry and he will take care of me the rest of my life or until we divorced..hummmm...this sounded like good advise at the time...So in a seedy little run down bar in the bottom's of Ft.Worth I married a man that was 10 year's my senior and a drunk...we had a child 2 years later and I got to the point where I couldn't look him in the face any longer...he made me sick..I went to the bar where I had met him 2 year's earlyer and found another man...then another...then another...he got wise to this and left me..the bad part is he took my children...my son hadn't even been his. He raised them both togeather and he had treated my son as his own.He had stopped drinking but then he started using drug's..I didn't know this until after my son and daughter came to live with me.When they became old enough to deside where they wanted to live. I had already started to live with my new boyfriend at the time.(who is my husband now)..and he had started living with a woman he had known in his past..we stayed married but I don't know why..and then one day I got a call....He had been riding his bicycle and fell over dead on the curb...right there in the street..with no wallet...the day before his birthday..so he spent his birthday at the morge..I didn't attend the service..I hadn't really been his wife ever..not in my heart either..I hadn't even changed my name..

My Dad's family,at the time,was 3 young son's and a wife...my Mother, I guess snuck right in and stole him away...and then my parent's were married,I was born next, then my little brother...today I look at my older brother's as my real brother's...Even my oldest brother but that's another story... that I keep barried at the back Of my mind. When I was 11 my parent's divorced...My Dad married a woman that consitered me a rock in her shoe. She had 3 daughter's all ready and she really only carried about my little brother, which she nerchered and treated as her own...my older brother's?...Well she cut them out of the picture really fast...got one married off and moved the other 2 out...She died a few year's after my Mom. I went to the service and for the life of me I could not cry! Not one lonley tear!...I saw people looking at me expecting me too...and i did try to squeeze one out but nope...nothing...my father sat there like a lump...he didn't even cry. She had lived at the nursing home 5 year's before she died and frankly I think he was relieved that he didn't have to take any more hamburger's to her every night..
I don't know why I can't forgive her..My step mom..even after her death I still have bad feeling's when I think of her...I wonder if my older brother's feel this way about my own mother. She told me once to tell them she was sorry...that she had treated them unfairly while they had been growing up..I did it but I don't think my middle brother thought much of it..I come from a long line of grudge keeper's I guess..

I figured a few thing's out last night about myself...I have an adictive personality. I sat and watched those law and order CI's last night on TV till after 1am..I just couldn't tear my self away...
My first memory was my hand's in cat fur..My Mother had loved animal's a lot...she felt they had a soul. I think she passed this on to me because I too believe they die and go to heaven...or something like it. My mother had been a very intence woman...she had a way of raising one eye brow that would stop you cold in your track's. My father?...Well he was ok with you as long as he didn't have to come to the school for something...if he had to take off work and it cost him money,you were sure of a wipping when he got home...my parent's believed in that ...wipping...and mouth slapping...and once i held a bar of lava soap in my mouth for 2 min.(I still said that nasty word any way...(wink)...a little soap wasn't going to stop my fun..)
My second memory?...It was when my brother came home from the hospital. My Dad had took me to the neighbor's house and I had seen them pull up out the window..I remember the woman had not been to nice to me. She had grabbed my hair as I started to run for the door...but she couldn't stop me...I let her pull it out as i kept running for my mother...
My Mom and Dad had met because my mother had worked at the airport with his wife..she had been her friend...and she had stole her husband....